Actually Funny (Non-Dad) Jokes

Actually Funny (Non-Dad) Jokes

 

I’ve been told I’m condescending.
(that means I talk down to people)

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, “Thanks”.
I said, “Don’t mention it”.

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

“And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.”
But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn’t last long if you are fat. I guess that is mean…It’s not nice making fun of fat people…they’ve got enough on their plate as it is.

I Googled “how to start a wildfire”. I got 48,500 matches.

I thought to myself…why is that Frisbee getting closer and closer?
Then it hit me.

A man walks into a butchers shop and asks”Are you a gambling man?” The butcher replies “Yes, you could say that.” “Okay then, I bet you $100 you can’t reach that meat you’ve got hanging from the ceiling up there.” The Butcher looks up and says “No sorry. The steaks are too high.”

A blonde walks into a library and asks the librarian, “Can I have a burger and fries?” The librarian looks at her, stunned, and replies, “Sorry, this is a library.” The blonde whispers, “Oh, sorry. May I have a burger and fries?”

My grandfather was a bank robber. This is weird because my father and brother became police snipers. At least my grandfather died surrounded by his family.

I’ve no home, I haven’t got control, I can’t see any escape!
Way past the time I got a new keyboard.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
To
To, Who?
No, To Whom

A piece of string walks into a bar. Before he sits down the bartender yells “Hey! We don’t serve pieces of string like you!” The piece of string goes outside, ties himself in a bow, and rolls around on the ground for a bit. Then he gets up, goes back into the bar, and sits down. The bartender says “Aren’t you that piece of string?” The string replies “No. I’m a frayed knot.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

Wife says to her programmer husband, “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.” Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

What did baby corn say to mummy corn. Where’s popcorn?

If anyone wants to see  my poor DIY skills come on over…….my doors always open.

Man, I didn’t realised shark sightseeing was so expensive! Cost me an arm and a leg!

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Audio Engineer / Kingdom Resourcer